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HBP Survival Guide
    13 July 2009

I know that upon a second reading of
Half-Blood Prince I publicly
admitted on the site that the book was not was horrible as I first
thought. However, from watching the publicity clips and constant
commercials I am reminded of the exact reasons why I hated this
book in the first place and why I swore I wouldn’t see the film.  

I admit I wavered – thought enough time had gone by – that I’d
achieved my catharsis through book notes and rantings – I
considered going to witness the horror. I was swayed by TV
commercials that always manage to make the film look good no
matter what it is about.

I wavered, dear friends, but for a moment. Then I watched in 30
second clips Ron be disgusting with Lavender, Hermione do nothing
but cry and Ginny become the ultra she-wolf seductress (a
transformation that even Bonnie Wright was surprised by when she
read the book).

That coupled with the fact that apparently the powers that be are
clueless enough to think that fans would rather see Cormac
MacLaggen – the boy pervert and defiler of the Granger – than the
wonderful and beloved Neville and Luna at the NYC premiere.

What’s a fan got to do to get some sense knocked into these

Needless to say, I am well over my momentary lapse. The temptation
is so far stamped out that it no longer exists.
Yet I wavered – and now I humbly request your forgiveness. And to
earn that I have put together a survival guide for us all.

    1.  When a commercial comes on the TV, change the channel. Or
    do what I do, run screaming out of the room until someone
    else grabs the remote and changes it.

    2.  If an ad is played on the radio or in your internet
    browser – shut it down. Turn off the radio or close the
    window on you computer.

    Ok, so these are not exactly high tech methods, but they
    are effective for shutting out the influence of sheer
    stupidity. I would say don’t turn on anything electronic
    that can be infiltrated by the enemy, but then you
    wouldn’t be here and that is just plain unacceptable,
    Reader, for we must band together now. Together, we shall
    get through this.

    3.  Now, this is our “Project Mayhem” moment. Join us for a
    vigil re-reading of the greatest installment of the book
    series before it all went to hell. That is, pick your
    favorite book from 1-5 and on July 15 re-read it and enjoy
    everything that made you love this series in the first

    Do not dwell on negativity; do not think on what happened
    after your favorite that killed those happy feelings.
    Recapture the tingles you got the first time and never let
    them go. For me it is Book 5, when Hermione goes from
    sidekick and best friend to Leading Lady. What’s yours?

    Take our plan to the cyber highways. Post it everywhere
    you are. Text your friends. Don’t leave anyone in the
    dark. Unite, delusionals! Unite!

    4.  And for those of you who think its necessary – divulge
    yourself of the negativity before you read. We are
    compiling a list of “Things They’ve Done Wrong” just from
    the commercials (although eventually RGW and cousin Heathy
    will be able to give us details from the actual film).
    Email us things you’ve noticed.

    For instance, RGW alerted us to the fact that the Burrow
    is attacked. Why? For the hell of it. And I guess so Ginny
    and Harry can bond cause Merlin knows that never happened
    in the book.

    They showed basically the whole of Voldemort’s backstory
    in one commercial...what else have you seen that doesn’t
    sit well with you? Or just email us what you hated about
    Book 6.

    The parts that you couldn’t stand, but that you know
    without even seeing it will included in the film just
    because it made you vomit. Like, for me, Ron telling
    Hermione that he loves her because she does his homework
    for him – and the silly mutant Granger blushing over it!

My final words – if you’re debating whether or not to see it, or
you’re not sure you can handle the carnage – Don’t go. Don’t pay
them to torment you. Why hurt yourselves? There’s no way they
could make that slop any better and Emma Watson herself described
it as a Romantic Comedy.

A Romantic Comedy!

Though I am not strong enough to sit through the torture, RGW is
braving the storm. Her review will be up within a day or two of
the release. We have your back, dear Readers, have no fear!

All I can say is – they’re not getting my money! I realize the
absence of the Holdens admission money won’t break their bank. But
it’s our small stand against the man!

Stay away from the evil.

Re-read with us.

Long live the Granger!
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